Existing

I woke up this morning like I have every morning since the death of my son. Hoping to see his smiling face and realizing this was all a day dream. But, sadly realizing it this is not a dream. Some moments I am fine (never completely fine, but pretending for people), and some moments I just burst into tears. I do not want to listen to the radio, because some songs remind me of him. I don’t want to watch TV, because some shows and movies remind me of him. I don’t want to eat certain things, because they remind me of him. I get up everyday, go to work on workdays, teach my EMT class on class days, and just exist. That is what I feel like I am doing. I feel like I am just existing. I feel like I am in a dense fog. I try to make sense of it all, but it’s so hard to make sense of anything anymore. Somedays I don’t want to wake up, because I just don’t want to feel this emptiness anymore. But I find the strength to keep living. I pray and pray again inside of my head for comfort. I find peace when I pour my feelings into words. It’s like I am cleansing my brain and thoughts. I am writing what my heart tells me too. I hope life will be brighter one day.

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