September 20, 2017
I still can’t believe it all is real. I wake up every morning hoping my son’s death was just a dream. But then reality quickly becomes reality. I still can’t believe he is gone. I still expect him to call me on the phone. I am sure others have experienced the same thing after losing a loved one.
I decided to go back to work two weeks after Austin’s funeral. I didn’t know if I was truly ready, but I thought sitting in my home crying all the time was not helping me. Today is my second shift back at work. I am a paramedic. It is really hard knowing I am a paramedic and have helped save (with God, of course) many lives over the many years of my career. But unfortunately I could not save my son. I was simply too far away from him to help him. I could not come to his rescue. Now being back at work, I feel totally differently than I did before Austin died. Life is sweeter now. Now I will definitely pay closer attention to the needs of the patient’s family. When a fatal overdose happens, or suicide for example, it is the family left behind to pick up the pieces. Sometimes family members can become patients if they become real distraught after the death of a loved one. Now, I feel I have a special gaurdian Angel sitting on my shoulder on every call. I know I can handle things here on Earth for patients. And now, if needed Austin can handle things in heaven for patients. That is what I believe. I know together we will make great partners and team.